The ‘I am alone’ core belief
The Core Belief Quiz
The Core Belief that is sabotaging your life and blocking your growth is:
“I am alone.”
Dear Friend,
Your core belief, “I am alone” is a lie your brain has been telling you for years. You can come up with hundreds of experiences that supposedly prove this belief, but that is only because it controls what you pay attention to (and what you ignore), how you interpret the world, and how you make sense of your place in it. That’s why this belief seems valid, but it is not!
Perhaps, as a child there were many times when you found yourself on your own or felt alone, even if people were around you. “I am alone” is not a life-long truth and does not need to define your experience of reality.
You may already know in your conscious mind that this belief is false (and that’s great!), but in your subconscious mind, which controls up to 95% of your daily life, this belief is a foundational truth!
And so you continue to attract people and situations to your life that validate the belief, “I am a burden.”
Your own version of this Core Belief may be “I don’t belong,” “I can’t rely on anyone,” “No-body understands me,” or “I am different”. These are just different versions of the same belief.
Becoming aware of your Core Belief is an essential part of taking back control of your life and creating the life you desire.
What about You?
You have a sensitive heart and a deep soul that yearns to connect. You often feel disappointed by people. You feel tired (it is very tiring to navigate this world on your own) and yearn to be truly seen.
You fall into one of the following two groups:
- You care a lot about belonging even though you may have devised clever strategies to keep yourself separated from the group, like avoiding or sabotaging social interactions. You may have even developed tendencies such as taking on extreme personas, being aggressive, defensive or demanding – to keep people at a distance (so that you have the option of leaving them before they leave you).
You tend to be more comfortable doing things on your own but ultimately, you feel sad, lonely, and angry that nobody is around. You find it difficult to collaborate and work within a group because you are sensitive to the ebbs and flows of group dynamics, especially when it comes to questions like: Am I being supported? Am I doing all the work? Am I part of the group?
- Feeling alone frightens you to the point of panic, and you avoid it at all costs. You may have developed patterns of accommodating, fawning, or pleasing others so as not to be left alone. While these patterns may have worked in the past (otherwise you wouldn’t have kept them), they ultimately leave you feeling misunderstood, unseen, and self-abandoned.
You have had unhealthy relationships with partners who sense your fear and take advantage of it. Remember that being alone and feeling alone are different than holding the Core Belief that you are alone. The first two are situational and fleeting but the last one is a conclusion about your worth and place in the world.
You write many stories in your mind about why certain events occur (even ones that likely have very little to do with you) and you interpret them to mean that you are alone. Here are some examples:
“They didn’t know the right things to say, therefore, they don’t care about me.”
“Everyone in this room looks different than me- I am alone.”
“They bought me a gift I don’t like, therefor, they don’t know me.”
“No one understands my vision for this project- I have to do it all alone.”
“All my friends are getting married and having kids, therefore, I will end up alone.”
What is a Core Belief?
A core belief (also called a limiting belief) is a biased conclusion about yourself created when you were a young child.
Imagine a five-year-old child signing a contract that determines everything that happens for the rest of his/her/their life. Seems unreasonable, right? Well, that is what a core belief is – an interpretation created during a vulnerable age when our understanding of reality is skewed and incomplete.
Once created, the belief acts as a lens through which you perceive everything that happens to you. Present in every interaction, it automatically poses the question, “What bad thing does this say about me?” (The answer is never good!)
Throughout your life, stimuli from either the internal or external environment can trigger this belief or “press its button,” activating shame, sadness, fear and other detrimental feelings, thus dominating your experience of reality.
You unintentionally communicate your core beliefs to other people, even when your words say the opposite. People unconsciously sense and respond to your core beliefs much more than to your words and actions.
All of us have two or three core beliefs that control our lives and block our growth. Every difficulty or elevated emotion you experience in your home, at work, or in any of your relationships is in fact, an activation of one of these core beliefs.
How is a Core Belief Created?
Core Beliefs are created through trauma.
A trauma is any experience (not necessarily something dire such as war, divorce, or a terrible accident) that causes us to feel sad, ashamed, scared, AND alone with our feelings.
In these moments of overwhelm, our subconscious mind attempts to regain a sense of control and safety (called equilibrium) by interpreting the data it receives from the external and internal environment and creating a conclusion about what it means.
That conclusion becomes a core belief.
Once that belief is activated, it becomes the thing we fear the most or our darkest shadow. To ensure that this belief is never again enacted, the Subconscious then creates a set of instructions (called protective strategies). The most common protective strategies are avoiding, sabotaging, deflecting, and attacking.
The general thinking is:
“As long as I do (insert protective strategy), the Core Belief would stay hidden.”
But here is the problem. When first created, protective strategies were useful ways to stay safe, to belong, and to feel supported, but as we mature and as our world expands, the old strategies tighten around us like an old suit that no longer fits, creating disconnection and limitation in our lives.
Instead of disproving the core belief, the protective strategies reaffirm it!
Imagine a teacher telling a child in front of the class, “You are lazy and not worth my time!” As a consequence, the child feels sad, embarrassed, and alone. His/her/their subconscious mind tries to make sense of the experience, thereby creating a conclusion about the self: “I am useless and weak.” To make sure no one ever finds out this “truth,” the child creates a strategy of protection: “I will never let people get close to me so they will never find out I am useless and weak! This strategy keeps their relationships superficial and meaningless, and the child – now an adult – continues to feel useless and weak.
What is Your Task on Earth?
Uncovering and releasing our core beliefs frees us to create a life that is authentic and joyful. Your task in this life is to unlearn every core belief and assign an opposite that works for you.
For example, below are some opposites for the core belief, “I am alone.”
“I am supported.”
“There are people in my life who care about me.”
“It’s okay to be alone sometimes.”
“I am safe, even when I am alone.”
“I am seen and heard.”
“I choose me”
Can you come up with a list of opposites for your core belief?
How do You Release a Core Belief?
Find a moment when you’re undisturbed and follow these seven steps:
- Repeat the core belief to yourself and notice what feeling comes up.
- Notice where you feel this feeling in your body, and tune into its physical sensation.
- Hold the belief, feeling, and physical sensation in your mind and allow your subconscious mind to lead you back to an earlier time in your life – perhaps even the first time – when you felt that same sensation in that area in your body.
- Once you’ve reached that earlier time (even if the memory makes no sense and/or you’re not sure it really happened), notice this younger version of yourself and tell him/her/them: “I see you. I am here for you. You are no longer alone.”
- Does the younger version of you have a story to tell you? Is there a truth that needs to be spoken? Ask him/her/them, “Is there something you need to say?” Continue this inquiry until the younger version of you has no more to say. Then, offer a hug!
- Now, notice the space that has opened in your body. Pick one of the opposites of the original core belief or come up with a new one that feels right in this moment. If the new statement had a color, what would it be?
- Imagine a strong, gentle, and beautiful stream of this color entering through the top of your head, flowing down your body, and filling all the space that has been opened up. Rest here.
Let me know how this process worked for you! Direct Message me on Instagram @therapybeyondthecouch or email me at tami@therapybeyondthecouch.com.
