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Depleted Mother Syndrome (DMS): What it is, and what you can do about it
Whenever I mention Depleted Mother Syndrome (DMS) to a new mom, her first reaction is to chuckle.
“Now there’s a syndrome for THAT too?”, she’d say.
But not five minutes into me describing this all too common condition, does she begin to nod her head enthusiastically, and by the end of the meeting DMS has gathered a new fan.
What is Depleted Mother Syndrome (DMS)?
In a nutshell, Depleted Mother Syndrome (DMS) occurs when demands on the mother increase, and her resources decrease. As a result of this imbalance, the mother’s emotional sensitivity to both internal, and external triggers becomes heightened. In other words, her buttons begin to get pushed so quickly and so often that she becomes worn out and frazzled (sounds familiar?)
First introduced in the book Mother Nurture – written by Dr. Jan Hanson, Dr. Rick Hanson and Dr. Ricki Pollycove, Depleted Mother Syndrome has been shedding light on many of the difficulties mothers struggle with regularly.
While often experienced by mothers of young children, it is important to note that DMS is by no means limited to new parents as it can be experienced by all parents and caregivers, no matter the child’s age.
Increased Demands
- Mothers today juggle more tasks, work longer, and sleep less than their own mothers did.
- Mothers are on call 24 hours a day, without sick days, mental health days, weekends, or vacations.
- The roles of the mother include: coordinator of home life, social life, and children; counsellor, event organizer, playmate, cook, cleaner, shopper, book-keeper, extended family liaison, night watcher, lover, etc.
- Many mothers also work full-time jobs, in addition to the many tasks of motherhood.
- The average mother works 20 more hours per week than her partner, whether she is drawing a paycheck or not.
- Mothers are often put under a microscope, and expected to have super-human powers, and resilience. High expectations from society, their own culture, themselves, their husbands, and other moms create guilt, and a feeling of never being good enough.
- Research shows that mothers take parenting-related events more personally than fathers (ever feel terribly ashamed when your son/daughter has a tantrum at the grocery store? would your husband feel the same?)
- Mothers may also be recovering from pregnancy, breastfeeding, and/or weaning – all of which deplete you physically and psychologically.
- Changes in physical appearance due to pregnancy, and weaning often negatively affect body-image, and self-esteem.
- Mothers often find it difficult to maintain their professional status after becoming parents.
Decreased Resources
- One of the negative consequences of urban sprawl is isolation. We live far from family and friends, and we are less connected with our community.
- The relationship with our significant other becomes more stressed, cold and distanced. Statistically, couples with children have 8 times more arguments than couples without children.
- Mothers have very little self-time to re-charge through rest, or doing fun activities.
- Many mothers have few opportunities for exercise – to release stress and keep the body strong.
- Mothers’ diet is often rushed and unbalanced – grabbing whatever they can, and as quickly as possible.
- Sleep deprivation and sleep disturbances (interrupted REM sleep) have long lasting and detrimental effects on the mother including depression, weakened immune system and high blood pressure.
The result: Increased Emotional Sensitivity
- Your buttons get pushed quickly, and frequently. Every little thing that goes wrong makes you angry, hurt, or depressed.
- All the negative beliefs about yourself as a parent, a partner, and a person get heightened –I am not a good enough parent/wife/me.
- Your fears get magnified – what am I doing wrong? What if something bad happens to the kids?
- All the disappointments, shame, and anger rise up to the surface – I thought this would be easier, everyone else can do it – why can’t I?
- Grief gets magnified over everything you lost since becoming a mom: professional status, body, old self, feeling sexy, friends’ support…
- Old wound get opened up. When sensitivity is at a high, emotional traumas from the past are often remembered, and re-experienced.
- Automatic coping mechanisms get engaged. Knee-jerk reactions (you hurt me, I hurt you back), and fight-or-flight reactions are much more easily accessible than mindful actions and empathy.
So, what do we do?
1. Learn to ask for help.
We live in an individualistic society that encourages independence, and self-sufficiency. Needing help, and support often makes us uncomfortable and creates feelings of inadequacy, or vulnerability. We prefer to be in control, and do everything ourselves! But of course, that depletes us even further, and leads to resentment and loneliness. It helps to get to the bottom of our discomfort as it relates to asking for and accepting help. Removing these obstacles clears the way to getting the support we deserve.
Having said that, sometimes there just isn’t help to be had. In our disconnected society, where extended family is far or non-existent, sometimes there just isn’t the support we require. In these instances, it is even more important to reach out to friends, other depleted moms, organizations, neighbors, etc. Try to arrange a swap, car-pooling, an exchange or bartering for child care or other support. It does take a village, and you can create that village for yourself.
2. Be aware of your unique sensitivities, and be gentle.
If you tend to be more of an introvert than an extravert, then coordinating a child’s busy social schedule may be triggering for you. If are used to doing things just right, you may find it upsetting when your child misbehaves in front of company. If your feelings get hurt when you are not being taken seriously, you will likely be triggered when your child refuses to listen. These sensitivities are made of old childhood wounds. Park your disappointment, judgement, and embarrassment of them. Instead, acknowledge them with love, and challenge them gently.
3. Get (and stay) nourished.
The most effective way to replenish your body, and stay healthy and strong is through good nutrition. Because the nutritional value of our food has gradually decreased due to chemicals and processed ingredients, it has become more difficult to ingest the nutrients necessary for us to stay healthy. Here are a few points to keep in mind to maximize your nutrition:
- Eat a good amount of protein (especially at breakfast)
- Eat lots of fruits and vegetables throughout the day
- Drink lots of water – keep a water bottle with you and sip from it all day long
- Buy organic whenever possible
- Take a multi-vitamin
- Have very little sugar
- Eat very little (if any) processed food
4. Get exercise, and fresh air every day.
Regular exercise keeps your body strong and your mind limber and calm. It often amazes me how just a short walk can re-energize and change the mood for the better. I highly recommend registering for a regular exercise class where you can make yourself a priority and meet other moms in the process.
5. Learn to notice when you are reaching the end of your rope.
Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations and learn the warning signs before you get to your breaking point. Here are some common experiences from the edge: repetitive critical thoughts of yourself and others, feeling agitated/annoyed with everything and everyone, body feels tense, or like a wet noodle, quick to anger, difficulty finding joy in life, shame, guilt, anxiety, and difficulty concentrating.
6. Reduce the stress before you reach your breaking point.
One-minute stress busters
- Take slow deep belly breaths
- Take your shoes off and rub your feet
- Roll your head around and loosen your neck
- Splash water on your face
- Stand up, lean down, touch the floor, shake your arms and stretch back up while taking a deep breath.
- Visualize faucets at the tips of your fingers and visualize all of the stress leaving your body as it pours out of the faucets. Or my favorite – visualize the tips of your fingers as warm wax and let the wax (stress) drip down to the floor one drop at a time. Take a deep breath when you are done.
- Pretend you are a dog (yes, I’m serious) and shake off all the stress from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet.
- Make yourself a cup of tea and drink it.
- Find specific tension spots in your body and breathe into them.
7. If you’ve reached your breaking point, don’t be too hard on yourself – it happens to all great moms.
Remember – you are teaching your child that mistakes are a part of life, that you (much like him/her) are always learning, and that even mom can say “I’m sorry”.
8. Connect with friends.
Kind and supportive friends are great medicine for a depleted mother. Arrange your own playdate (preferably without the kids) where you can vent out your feelings, get great advice, and see that you are not the only one experiencing problems.
9. Care for your relationship.
One of the defining characteristics of positive relationships is having the positive interactions outweigh the negative ones. It is more important to be civil to each other than to agree.
How to be civil to your significant other
- Lead with the positive
- Start by connecting
- Speak with accuracy and restraint
- Take responsibility for your experience
- Stay on topic
- Focus on what is accurate or useful in what the other person is saying
- Talk in a way that makes you feel proud of yourself
- Address concrete specifics – no vague complaints
- Make requests, not demands
- Make agreements, not threats
- Concede points when you can
10. Feel your emotions, and express them.
When we deny our emotions we add shame and fear onto them (this feeling is too shameful to admit), and cause them to grow and fester. Don’t be afraid of your emotions – they are natural and normal. Be accepting, and gently curious about your feelings. You can write them down if it helps (use a handy crayon and big font to let out your younger emotions). You can also draw a picture of your feelings, or talk to a friend about them.
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I'M TAMI!
I am a Psychotherapist, Clinical Hypnotherapist and EMDR Practitioner. If you want to create positive change in your life then you have come to the right place.
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73 thoughts on “Depleted Mother Syndrome (DMS): What it is, and what you can do about it”
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Hi Tami!! This is exactly what I needed. I thought it was just me, I’ve been doing research on my own because I am a single divorced mom of 24 year old and an 18 year old and cannot truly afford therapy at this time. Parenting 2 young adult daughters has been more emotional and more challenging than when they were younger. I once loved being a mom but now I don’t. This article has definitely shed light on what I have been feeling and painfully going thru. Thank you!!!
you Definitely not alone, I’m a single mother of two small children I thank about the Future of my two girls everyday how they gonna be growing up after all this Experience and everything that was just described perfectly of what I’ve been going through. Thank you for everything that you’ve put in here. That has really helped me. I see a therapist every week. Nothing can describe my situation no better than what I have read here. Thank you for posting this. It has really helped me and I will continue.
To follow-up on updates. Thank you, and have a great day. And for all the single parents out there. Mom’s and dad’s make God bless you and your children. M and may you all find it in your hearts to look and put God first in all of our situations, thank you.
You are not alone. I am a mother of a beautiful brilliant 14 year old. It is very difficult. she also has ADHD/Depression/anxiety. It is so hard to raise these middle school children. The bullying she experiences is terrible, due to that she makes bad choices. on and on. I am sure your doing a great job.
I so over wellman my 16 Is drink either rubbing achol or just achol. and he out of control. my husband won’t help much my 14 year old won’t help with chorse. I work two jobs and I am just starting school. I feel like a failure as a mom. no Appreciate all I do. my kids won’t go to my husband for most of the time. I am the only one trying to do my house chores and too much
I believe in these modern timesbit should be depleted parent syndrome.
I am raising my 1 year old while his mother goes out to work. while I am with the kid I am building 3 houses, opening a business, running the house, walking the dogs, taking out the trash, doing the gardening, paying bills, dealing with permits and beirocrats, fixing the car and if not dealing with the mechanics, making food, doing the dishes and the groceries.
we live far from family and friends, so my partner and I are the sole caregivers 25/7 It’s been very hard. I forgot when it was the last time I laughed or made love.
I get a lot of heat from my partner because she says that I am always tired and stressed.
it’s so funny I related to this entire article.
You should probably have a serious discussion with your partner.
I am 38 weeks pregnant taking care of a 2 year old and a 5 year old all day and night and I also have 2 school aged children, a 9 year old daughter who is pushing my every button and a 13 year old son who refuses to do his school assignments unless I stay on top of him breathing down his neck. My husband is currently out of state on business for the last 3 days and it’s been just me doing it all and I’m losing my mind. I am so on edge, every “mom” or touch or need I want to crawl out of my skin. I need a break so bad, I just have to wait 3 more hours until my husband gets home then I’m going to lock myself away for days. I’m not usually like this, I usually have li tea of patience but it’s all been scrapped away, I’m also physically so exhausted. I know writing this is pointless but I still did. Maybe getting it out helps. Oh and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this because I chose to have 5 children so I feel that no one cares.
There are two types of people. Ones that will say “I can’t” and make every excuse to why they can’t and stay in the same miserable place and ones who say “I don’t know how I’m going to make it work but I’m going to do it and try until they accomplish their goals. Life is hard but there is always a way of you just put in effort to make your goals happen.
Although I do say Kuddos 2 u & enjoy every second of it….I must also say, now is not the time he needs u in his life like tht. Not sayin tht u can’t teach, discipline or raise your son jus as well as mom, however…now is time he needs mom bein tht for him. Your time will come when they need your strength & courage to help them thru anything tht they may fear, due to the unknown. I can say this bcuz I have done it. It wasn’t dads turn until they needed 2 jump in the YMCA pool 2 prove tht Mother taught them 2 swim so they culd enjoy after school programs, dad had 2 take them when it came time 2 jump in, dad had 2 be the 1 sayin- hey baby, u got this @ home, u kno what u are doin…now show them!! I have been told tht Elementary & Middle Schools passed mine jus 2 get rid of me bcuz if my child came home & tht teacher dare spoke out of line or sum mis treatment of my child- move my child or I will move my child myself, rite on out of this school!! Schools are not good environments 4 kids…my last now homeschools for HS. She went the 1st day, said she couldn’t do it…didn’t like it-she never was made 2 go back-if my kids didn’t feel comfortable or didn’t wanna do sumthin-I dang sure never made em!!
I’m so sorry to hear that, that’s ALOT for one person. I’m a single mom of 5. My first 4 were from a 13yr relationship/marriage & my last born was super unexpected, I conceived him during my “healing” faze of my divorce with someone I was dating who I had reconnected with that i met when we were only 18yrs old. Anyways my oldest is 18 & my other 3 are 14, 12 & 11yrs old. & now my newest is only 3 months but it’s SO HARD doing it alone. I’m thankful for this article because it sounds like what I’m going through but coming across your reply/comment made me sad & I just wanted to let you know that your not alone & also how most woman out there would give a lot for a man like you so please give yourself credit & grace . I know it’s easier said then done, TRUST ME, I seriously fear having a heart attack from stress everyday and I’m not even exaggerating with that and I’m only 35 but the stress i feel with ZERO support because i have no friends or family is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Anyways from reading all that you do on top of taking care of your baby alone I KNOW is such a stressful place to be & again just wanted to say your not alone as you probably already know from reading this article because it wouldn’t have been written if their weren’t a lot of parents going through this but I just think it’s SO MUCH WORSE when your a single parent but ESPECIALLY being in a relationship/Marriage but STILL being a single parent because the other parent don’t help much if at all. Sorry this is so long, but God bless you & your family, I hope things get better for you. Take care, from a stranger on the internet who understands, Keri F.M
your right it’s is for both parents
Hey Hi.
So you are doing what I have done for nearly 20 years and 4 kids now.
Your partner is 1 very lucky lady and you must be exhausted!
You’re right-it Should be called Depleted Parent Syndrome.
Hats off to all supportive dads!!
You definitely make a very valid point, Cristian. There are dads out there (some of them single) who take on what have historically been viewed as female roles/tasks and they, like you, experience the symptoms of DMS. It sounds like a serious discussion with your partner is in order, as it seems like she expects you to be ‘super dad’ and then be cheerful and energetic on top of it all…Best wishes to you in finding ways to have better balance. You need to take care of yourself to be able to care for others.
yes, men can have the syndrome too. feeling your pain. and at the same time, glad for you that you have this insight. please share with others, especially men, who don’t.
Hi Christian,
Not sure if you’ll even see this comment since you posted a few months ago, but I felt compelled to respond to let you know that I completely agree with you. I’ve been suffering from what should be called “Depleted Parent Syndrome.” I’m a stay at home mom to three kids 4 and under and I’ve been feeling this desperate need to escape. I was talking to my sister about it and I told her that if the roles were reversed and my husband were the stay at home parent that he would be the one feeling these things. It might sound crazy to some, but I find that to be a comforting thought. It allows me to see that it’s not necessarily a gender thing (i.e. “guys just don’t get what it’s like to be a mom holding down the fort”) or my husband’s fault that I’m feeling so depleted. I’m feeling these things simply because that’s the nature of the beast of the lifestyle that my family and myself are in right now. Seeing your comment of the plethora of things that you are juggling right now, it’s not surprising to me at all that you would relate to this article as much as the rest of us! Just know that you have an internet stranger rooting for you and wishing you the best!
Sincerely,
Mary Grace
Reading this article really made me think there was a solution to my problem however these are solutions for people with a stable family friend group & money… your advice is to ask for help or be around friends which some of us have no family alive & have no friends as they’ve always been bullied, then you go on to say eat all this food and buy organic and never eat processed food when some of us work 2-3 jobs just to survive & don’t have time to throw processed food out the window.. not only that but have you been to a grocery store? Regular food takes half a paycheck.. organic food costs ten times more.. well this all sounds great it’s completely unrealistic for some of us, this article just made me feel like I’m definitely never going to be above water because once again I’m not wealthy
Try watching videos from Dr. Balduzzi of the fit mother project. There’s a free 3 day jumpstart on the program and you can just keep repeating it. Small changes little at a time and slowly try to get rid of or use up what you have and replace it with whole foods. Google the the dirty dozen and the clean 15 and you’ll see which are most important to have organic and which are inconsequential. You can try farmers markets or Costco for better prices. It will make a life changing difference if you get on a processed food free diet or decrease it as much as possible. I’m working my way out of this depleted hole and all starts with your own health as food affects our bodies and minds . My anxiety, depression and fatigue has decreased. I’m feeling better and have energy and patience to better deal with my family and the daily mom grind. I exercise 3-4 times a week with just 2 dumbells . There are simple workouts on fit mother project and YouTube that can be done at home in 20 minutes. Even just 20 minutes of weight bearing exercise and a great simple diet can help you in 6-10 days. Trust me this will simplify getting yourself in a state of wellness. Once you are well you’ll feel clearer headed , more hopeful and positive and you’ll see that your emotions will be in better control and you’ll get along better with the people in your life abd youll see how unimportant sone fights or clutter is in the home. You’ll see that you were sacrificing your well being to give energy to things and arguments that don’t matter when you see how much healthier and happier you have become
Love ur comment!! I say it’s jus another made up “syndrome” tht gives ppl an xcuse as 2 why they aren’t doin their parenting job. Adults kno when time 2 unwind or recharge or be alone is needed. U say u have ADHD or sum anxiety or sumthin…ok, PROVE IT!! u kno how many adhd ppl are pretending so they can get the meds 2 sell & they will say oh, I don’t take em…but u say u have adhd rite…..u had 2 take an annual test statin can focus rite…..but u focus jus fine 2 not be takin ya meds…I don’t buy any excuses!! I have put the work in & did the work needed on Myself! Wanna a real affliction-suicidal depression tht is triggered when sum1 hurts u or ur in pain & u will hurt urself b4 u hurt sum1 the way u been hurt by those who said “I love u” I HAD 2 work on myself so I culd be what my children needed. I had 2 tell my kids tht if ever it does happen, jus kno tht it wasn’t tht the thought of u couldn’t stop me….it’s jus a real disease tht I have had 2 be in therapy & places since age 5 for. I don’t do excuses-if u can come up w/ every excuse NOT to do sumthin then u can find 1 excuse TO DO THT VERY THING!!! not yet has sum1 I said tht 2, not once has 1 gave me tht excuse as 2 why they culd do it. Thts why it’s jus grasping 4 excuses far as I’m concerned
Sandra I feel everything thing you are saying. It’s so not easy. As grateful and positive as I always try to be ( not because my life has been easy but because I am trying to manifest the best life/future I can for me and my children) I find myself telling myself how hard this is lately. I just want to shed some positivity from one mom to the next. Organic bananas are cheap and have many benefits. Buy what’s in season and on sale lemon in your water helps to. Has many benefits. Walking is my favorite outlet and it’s free:)
I talk to my family/ friends that is no longer here on earth and when I can stay in a decent mood and mindset I see the signs they send me. You got this! I do too!
this is so accurate about the no family or friends. my family live states away. I moved to a military town and divorced. my friends were all military and have now moved bc of being stationed elsewhere. now being a mom of two under two, I don’t have time or ability to make new friends. the article was helpful in some ways but also advice in an ideal world. sending you warm hugs mom
I feel the same way. Have no idea what to do…
Right? If I could do everything she suggested, I probably wouldn’t be exhausted and depleted! This article places expectations on the mother to help her cope with too many expectations. 🙄🫠
HI Sandra, I can hear your frustration in your response to the article about “Depleted mother syndrome.” My name is Simone, and I help mothers overcome chronic stress and exhaustion, because I experienced it myself when my twins were young. I think the article does address some good strategies for managing stress and taking care of your needs, most of them cost no money. Connecting with friends and eating nourishing foods is really critical to healing, so I help moms find ways to make that possible. If you don’t have family or friends right now, it may be time to make new friends. You could meet other moms by taking your kids to the playground, library story times, playgroups, attending school events, any public space where your kid would have fun. I met my best friend at my local park! We get the kids together for games, or we just do something for us sometimes. Regarding the food, I get it – it is very expensive, especially organic. But some healthy foods are less expensive than the processed foods. Some examples are: all types of beans, brown rice, whole wheat pasta, tofu, bananas, spinach, cabbage, onions, potatoes, carrots, anything on sale. Sometimes you can find clearance items in your produce section. Some towns have discount grocery stores. Eating more whole foods and less processed foods is possible, even with limited resources. 😉 If you want more info, check out my website about my coaching program.
I felt the same after reading this as well. If I even had the time to follow these recommendations, most of those resources are nonexistent for me either way. It’s not by choice that we don’t have time to eat properly or eat at all, not exercise or use “stress busters.” And when reaching out for help (even professional resources), get basically told all of the same things. I doubt any of us would have even stumbled upon this article if we could make use of these recommendations.
I feel you on this one! I’m trying my best to feel normal and not be so quick to lose my feet but like you said, not having enough money adds to the problem. They say more money, more problems. I believe it’s quite different as a parent and it’s less money, more problems!
I agree wholeheartedly with your response. I’d love to have time and financial means of taking better care of myself or a support group I could count on. I ask for help from my spouse but to little or no avail. It just leads to arguments between us and increased frustration and stress for me… unrealistic is exactly how it feels and that’s so discouraging. I truly want to give up. I just wanted to say I understood what you were saying..
I was thinking that the same thing I lost my brother 3 years ago he was the only family I had left and I have no friends I’m a single mom of 3 so I have no money trying to get work from home job
Sandra your point is perfect. I’m also a single mom of two teens with a job that pays no benefits and an ex who won’t see our kids. My family are dead and the living ones are abusive to me and live on the other side of the country. My friends are not really available and don’t live near where I got married and stayed with my kids. I am really, really alone. The author of this article does not touch on our situations and there are thousands of us. What we need are organizations that help depressed mothers who’s daily workload is too much. We need real support.
Hi Sandra, I just wanted to reply to your comment because I felt the same way reading this. I’m a single mom with little to no support, and can in no way afford organic (seriously, what were they thinking?!?)
Some things that have helped me with my 2 kids under 5 (and I’ll be honest, I don’t have all the answers, im still struggling myself):
1. Getting the kids and you out of the house. See if there are any fenced in playgrounds or parks near you. The fence allows some security so you can breathe and they can play.
2. If you can’t handle getting them out of the house or anything like that, I turn on Ms. Rachel on YouTube for my kids (anything educational so I can feel like they are learning, but Ms. Rachel is super calming for my kids too) and I step into the nearest room to our tv room where they can’t see or hear me, and I literally scream into a pillow for a minute or 2. It releases the tension in my brain, the feeling of having to hold it all in.
These aren’t a fix-all, and I’m still struggling, but these things have made it a tiny bit easier for me. I’m sorry that you’re struggling, and I hope that these can help you too.
not to mention you also need to have a partner that actually cares at all about what you are going through. I believe the syndrome is real. but the solution is what we all already know we need everyday but we ARENT getting for whatever reason. but when u can’t afford the over priced organic foods or get any personal time for yourself and your friends are all busy with lives of there own and you husband of 15 years doesn’t have any intetest in what are now ‘YOUR’ problems. what about those ppl? what do we do? how do we move forward??? cause I try but now matter what I do or how hard I try, I still feel this way. and probably always will…
i totally agree with you, the information is great,the solutions are not realistic for everyone.
There are people who have no support structure and feel alone, cant afford therapy or all the fancy foods etc, let alone have time for everything, not enough hours in the day to even think about organic food and getting enough sleep doesn’t exist. I work on average 25 -30 hrs a week from home plus look after my 1 year old ,as i cannot afford childcare, have no friends or family anywhere close by. Have no time to do anything really, just work to get by. I think what i forget at times is my feelings of being overwhelmed are valid, allot of times people make you feel like your feelings dont matter. Take it one day at a time and all you can do is your best, even if that means for a short while we take the back seat while we work and raise our kids. Its tough but we have to.
I agree. I read each point and as a single mum none of this is possible. Who do I reach out for support? Express my emotions to who? Who’s cooking and creating such a nutritional meal for me? When do I have time to excersie. And I understand my triggers but that sure doesn’t stop anything. Reach out to people? Who?
It frustrates the life out of me because there’s no physical help for single parents. I feel like I’m wasting away physically and emotionally dad by day by day.
I’m completely depleted, exhausted and burnt out. ADHD mum to a 16 year old boy with ADHD. I’ve worked too hard and now I feel out of control and it off ideas to make anything better. I give up. it’s making me ill. awful.
Hi Carry me to a daughter of 19 adhd & autism. Also have a younger daughter who is treating us badly really. Also burned out & fed up x. Needing help & dont no what to do Xx.
Try watching videos from Dr. Balduzzi of the fit mother project. There’s a free 3 day jumpstart on the program and you can just keep repeating it. Small changes little at a time and slowly try to get rid of or use up what you have and replace it with whole foods. Google the the dirty dozen and the clean 15 and you’ll see which are most important to have organic and which are inconsequential. You can try farmers markets or Costco for better prices. It will make a life changing difference if you get on a processed food free diet or decrease it as much as possible. I’m working my way out of this depleted hole and all starts with your own health as food affects our bodies and minds . My anxiety, depression and fatigue has decreased. I’m feeling better and have energy and patience to better deal with my family and the daily mom grind. I exercise 3-4 times a week with just 2 dumbells . There are simple workouts on fit mother project and YouTube that can be done at home in 20 minutes. Even just 20 minutes of weight bearing exercise and a great simple diet can help you in 6-10 days. Trust me this will simplify getting yourself in a state of wellness. Once you are well you’ll feel clearer headed , more hopeful and positive and you’ll see that your emotions will be in better control and you’ll get along better with the people in your life abd youll see how unimportant sone fights or clutter is in the home. You’ll see that you were sacrificing your well being to give energy to things and arguments that don’t matter when you see how much healthier and happier you have become
Hi Carry! Sorry to hear that you are feeling depleted, exhausted and burnt out! Being an ADHD mum to a teen with ADHD is tough!!
Something I learned as a mom of twins and online coach for stressed and exhausted moms, we can only handle so much stress before we break down. Prolonged stress will often result in physical symptoms like headaches, fatigue, insomnia, irritability, sadness, cravings for sugar/ carbs/ salt, digestive problems, skin problems, frequent infections, weight gain.
So how do you feel more energized and increase your ability to handle all your demands? Well, it does really come down to managing your stress and stressors, focusing on nourishing connections with others, and meeting your body’s needs every day. As a start, I recommend creating a calm bedtime routine, getting at least 8 hours of sleep, and eating a high protein breakfast every day. This can be as simple as a warm bath and some light reading before bed, going to bed at 10pm, and eating a couple of eggs or a cup of yogurt with nuts in the morning. I hope this helps 😉 What kind of stress symptoms are you struggling with the most?
Uugh mama I know EXACTLY how you feel! I have ADHD, PTSD, DEPRESSION,SEVERE Genral anxiety/Panick disorder & that’s how i feel, like just giving up but somehow I keep going but it’s not without feeling this sadness & loneliness and mom guilt every day. It’s like daily suffering I can’t escape because as bad as I want to say screw it & give up, I can’t! All I can do is tell myself everyday that one day it will pass. But I think about giving up daily and it’s a challenge to fight to keep going, so your not alone mama. By the way I’m a single mom of 5 & 2 with adhd always getting in trouble in school & it’s super exhausting so again, I know exactly how you feel and I pray that we both find peace soon. God bless you and your child (hugs)
Me too. Literally only have the energy to type me too.
Hope you are feeling better, Carry! Yeah – we have had a lot of feels with our ADHD boy. It’s been a hard choice, but we started him on meds and he has been doing so much better at school and at home. Hope you get the rest/help you need. Good luck!
You are not alone. I just recently discovered my 14 year old has had ADHD and anxiety for a very long time by a visit to the ER as a panic attack. Unfortunately i wasnt helping it either when i thought i was beings im so overprotective and tell her i love her everyday. Turns out at 39 ive been misdiagnosed since i was 18.
I completely understand. I’m going through the same thing.
I totally understand. Don’t give up though. He needs you. My daughter is ADHD also, so is my husband. Imagine the madhouse this is. I wake up to find all kitchen cabinets open, occasionally the fridge is open, a couple time I found the gas burner on all night while we were sleeping. They other day I went out to the driveway and found car doors left open all night. Amazing right. My friends and family wonder why I am hypervigilant lol. At one point I thought why is this girl lying all the time. I realized half the lies were just because she did not remember but felt compelled to provide an answer. Take a break, recharge set the limits and hold them accountable.
The problem is that the women/couples who suffer from this have no external support. They don’t have family to rely on. Friends are just as busy or burnt-out. Inflation is insane which caps people’s ability to buy organic produce (or produce in general) and childcare.
I know I need help, I want help, but other than my husband (who works opposite shifts from me and is just as burnt out) there is no one.
I am single mom to 6,10,13 year old boys, a 14 year old daughter and 19 year old son in college. I feel I am on a deserted island. I am too tired to talk to anyone, have nothing to even discuss anymore, and constantly irritable and feel unrelateable to anyone. Please send help.
I have to agree with Sandra. I have absolutely no friends to rely on, nor a way to see someone to seek out help. I was really hoping I could figure out why I’m having trouble connecting with my toddler, especially cause I’m pregnant with a my second boy on the way. I feel like an absolute failure and that my outbursts when he has a tantrum is going to hurt us in the future. This article did not help what’s so ever and is not “money” friendly.
I saw an immediate change in my wife after our daughter was born, and regardless of how traditional her “I can do it all” attitude appeared, I realized that there would be a big physical, emotional and mental cost to be paid if she did.
I made substantial changes to my approach to home life vs work life and took on many of those annoyingly time consuming responsibilities…basically almost everything so that my wife wouldn’t suffer from this type of overload.
But guess what…I did. I was sneaking into work late and taking off early, didn’t try to make friends at work because I always had to get home for something, basically felt like I was just a machine that supported the house and its residents. So sometimes I fell very frustrated that everyone heaps so much praise to the all powerful “MOM”.
I don’t get much credit for my efforts, because if child raising comes up in conversation and I reference anything that I did, I’m told that it’s the least that I could do. Well, I can think of less, but I was doing it all to give my kids a better life, they are my responsibility…and now at 25 and 23 years old, they are two of the best adults I know. It was hard and I’d do it again to give my kids the life they are enjoying right now and the future in front of them.
What caused me to comment is that this new “WOKE” world we live in loves to acknowledge all who suffered, etc. and I do feel for all underrepresented people. but to use MOM as a singular point of reference for one who raises children is very “ALSEEP”, or whatever you call it.
Lets hear it for DAD!
Hate to sound WOKE, but how about Depleted Parent Syndrome (DPS)
Regardless of the acronym, I’m happy to see people who put in the hard work acknowledged…even if it’s acknowledging that they tried to do it all for their children at the expense of themselves…at least it’s a selfless action in a world of; me, me, me.
Im the same way I wish I had control of my life I use to be organized thin healthy beautiful happy now I feel worthless tired fat ugly no energy sick all the time always broke I try to be a good mom I try to be a better person yet no one listens to me when I show my emotions or ask for help I been to all types of counseling including Family and parenting classes it works in the beginning and when ur there but later it all backs. Sometimes I just want to abandon my family and not exists. I work mon to Fri chofer my children to school work and sports I have them in sports due to my husband great idea he was suppose to take care of it but he works I do feel awful as he works more than I do yet he finds time to hang out with his buddies when I’m stuff being a maid taxi I recently been sick and again no help the only person I can count on is my 16 yr old son but again it’s not his job to do everything he already helps by cleaning being taxi as well I can’t have him do more lost mother of 4 and soon to be grandma
Nah….not buyin this as a Syndrome. So tired of women wantin 2 make up excuses to not raise & teach the children in their care as they shuld be!! Kids got screwed when women wanted 2 be “equal 2 man” & they culd do anything a man culd & entered the workforce-bullshit! Can a man do anything a woman can?.NOPE, sure can’t…so wuldnt common sense tell u a woman cannot do as a man does?? A woman who has a child & cant wait to get back 2 work instead of takin those vital 5yrs to do the job they signed up 4-she is no mom let alone Mother in my eyes, she is selfish. I see so many unfit moms havin these kids & the kids have had no time & effort put n2 them…a mom can be proven unfit….don’t believe me, check back w/ me in bout 7mnths & watch what I can do!! I have always stood for kids & I always will!! If u feel u need sum help w/ personal or mental shit-go get the help u need & in the meantime, relinquish ur kids until u are better enuff 4 urself & then can be better 4 ya child(ren)-touchy subject w/ me& NO EXCUSES do u have if u keep a child in an unhealthy, unhappy environment & u had other options. I have seen kids be born jus as a means 2 an end for tht woman…nothin more & tht woman use & hurt the kid(s) & kid act up out of anger & the woman will be all “idk why he treats me this way” boohoohoo….REALLY?? NO IDEA HUH Women are becoming a disgrace IMO All of my grown kids address me as Mother- I have EARNED tht highest formal honor & yes I did it by usin old school methods & whoop tht ass if need be…kids crave discipline & structure. Yep, I’m bout 2 have 2 stand yet again for 4 siblings bcuz well….this person doesn’t need 2 be in charge of another’s life…not even a pet. This person needs court ordered not allowed 2 have anymore unless…until she can prove herself fit & do no less than 3yrs of in person parenting classes & keep a job minimum of 3yrs- B4 she can even be considered…This said woman, is a child who lies & plays child’s games. She bout 2 find out what a true MOTHER can do & I will need no lies or games…only the truth & proper proof…oh & of course my ARMY tht I have called on b4 & they showed up & out in PACKS (hint hint)
I am a mother of four boys ages 22, 20, 19 and 13. My three eldest have absolutely pushed me to the point of no return. I cannot get rid of the weed in my house and I recently lost my job on top of everything else. I cannot even begin to tell anyone what I have sacrificed for my family physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and financially. I live in Godforsaken Africa where if you don’t make money you don’t eat you don’t get medical you don’t get education. Tomorrow I am packing my bags and walking away from my life to start from scratch as I have done many a time but this time I am doing it for me and me alone.
This article really shared some light on what I’m feeling. I’m a new mom of a 15 month old whom I love dearly. My husband travels for work and is home during the weekends. I have very limited support, my mom passed a month after my daughter was born and my father passed 6 months later. His family lives too far to be really involved. I feel stuck and don’t know what to do. I know it will get better but what do I do while waiting.
reading this as a young 22yr old mom to a 5 yr old boy , it really helped and also made me cry because I could relate to everything. I try, I try & I try to hold my composure when he’s misbehaving, he doesn’t listen to ANYTHING I SAY AT ALL.. I say “sit down stop jumping” he’ll sit, I walk away 5 mins later he’s jumping again, I repeat myself over & over, to the point I yell at him or I just don’t say anything anymore & let him do whatever because what am I supposed to do, Chastise him before, I tried that doesn’t work either.. His dad & I are separated & he sees him at his gma house but in reality No, Nobody calls to talk to him, see how’s he doing, want to pick him up, spend time with him, and he also had a sister & brother bday that had came up and No invite for Him, nobody came & picked him up. things like that are frustrating due to his father and he loves him, he ask about him all the time & I don’t know what to say or tell him, I jus don’t say anything or say idk & his behavior will react from that as well..We jus moved so that’s been stressful but him adding on and misbehaving any chance he gets is very agitating and depressing because he won’t listen to Me..
I have to many on my arms and I don’t know what to do
I’m agreeing with Sandra, here. Your tips are not actually helpful or insightfully. I want society to expect less of me. My spouse too. My family too. I want to take a 2 week vacation with no recourse. For my spouse to watch the children, no questions asked, no sighing or passive aggression. I want people in the grocery store to stop remarking on how my children are behaving or being verbally disciplined. I want people to raise their sons to carry as much of the thinking, feeling, and doing burdens that we have bestowed upon our daughters
There is an organization of by and for parents with ADHD and/or who have children with ADHD. https://chadd.org/
I’m glad you took a moment to read this article, not because the advice is helpful but because it shows that you are aware of the problem and know you need help. It’s true, you do. Recognizing a problem is the first necessary step. That involves acknowledging it as a problem, accepting the fact that it’s real and that it’s yours, and trying to understand it. That’s what this article is good at.
There are only two things harder than recognizing the problem: Trying to get the help you need and then actually using whatever help you get.The syndrome described here is less tame in real life, and the remedies offered here sound like ideal solutions for ideal problems. They don’t quite scratch where real people itch. But each may be part of a larger strategy.
CHADD may help.
You are NOT alone.
I’m a mom of 7. I loved the read it relates to me 100% as for the solution, I’m not sure I can fit that in on top of everything I’m already doing. I feel really bad, my baby is crying needing me and I can’t help but stare blankly into space. I’m always praying for someone to take care of them.. I’m doing the worst job! Their dad is away to better himself and I can’t help but dwell on how mistreated he’d been towards me. Always treating other woman better and puts me down while continuing to interact with woman he’s hurt me over. Not good for the mind but hey I’m thankful I got to share that. If I could adopt them out to someone I trusted who knew Jesus I would so they’d be loved properly instead of by this worn out tired angry mum.
For those struggling to get by financially and have no one to turn to because of being bullied or hurt or who have lost loved ones, my heart goes out to you. If you can, take a moment when the kids/significant others are asleep, either stay up a little longer or wake up a little earlier. Maybe try to take 15 minutes to just be; no phone, no TV, no music. Just you. Meditate, pray,and be still. I find myself needing times to just be. After praying and spending time reading the Bible, I feel 50% better because I have cried and laid it all at His feet and at the foot of the cross. When the thoughts come back, as we all know they do, I try to remind myself, hey we dealt with this earlier and God is control. He will not fail nor forsake me. He goes before me and stands beside me. If I don’t take the time to meet with Him, my head and my heart spin those negative thoughts around faster than wind stirring up a tornado. For those who don’t believe, maybe give it a try…worse case scenario, it don’t work. Best case, you find what you need. Peace be with you.
I understand Sandra’s point above, and I appreciate Tami’s advice and I will shoot for some of it…when I have time. I’m working three jobs to keep afloat, and I can tell you first hand, money won’t fix it all either. I think that there is a bigger issue at hand, one that Tami couldn’t fix in an article. Why is it the culture of a Mother in the family dynamic, expected to do SO much? These expectations are the same as they were in the 1930’s! Yet we all work outside the home now…multiple jobs with usually less pay than our spouses sometimes. This article identified and validated so many feelings I have, and bitterness towards my family life in general, but why is it allowed and expected for Mother’s to carry it all? It’s a culture that is so toxic. As if we don’t get it from our own mothers too. I would love to hear about the abuse we get when things don’t go as planned for the family. Any one else get a target on their back once you do ask for help from your own family? Let’s talk about the abuse we get from entitled kids. Or how Dad’s are always the ones that seem to be exempt from the bad attitudes and cruel comments. Apologies always come…”Sorry Mom, I was just upset.” The damage us usually already done though. I get that I have work to do, I’m the first to admit I’m a mess. Six years of counseling and I don’t miss an appointment for a reason. I hope one day, my kids and my family sees the expectations placed on us as matriarchal messiahs, is a complete setup for failure. Screw appreciation and kudos…I want the pressure to stop. I want to be a part of the family, and not be the foundation of it. Guess I’ll keep dreaming.
this is probably great advice but it’s the LAST THING ANYONE IN THIS POSITION WANTS TO DO.
really tired of crappy advice.
here’s the actual solution
start making other people, I’m thinking a partner here, pull their weight.
this advice adds a whole bunch of crap to an already long list of things you’ve have to do that you don’t want to do that are driving you insane.
I hate this kind of Pollyanna advice.
I agree with Sandra. These fixes are not fixes. They are for privileged people, for one. Another thing is, they all require the mother to do more work- she has to make the changes. How? How if she’s already depleted? The description about the symptoms and stuff are accurate, but the suggestions to get better are awful.
My partner is at breaking point with this and all the help “professional” an family has been mostly useless so she’s got 4 kids from a previous marriage. One with ADHD who is just horrible to her and others. Hasn’t been to school for years. Does whatever he likes and constantly demanding money, trying to blackmail her and caused her to go off work for 6 months with stress to try and sort him but things got worse. He’s just a lazy disgusting vile human being and having worked with children with condition, and having experience of family members with it the illness is no excuse for his behaviour of this magnitude although it does of course present issues. I don’t live with her but go over some time to try and help but but there’s so little I can do apart from stop him getting physical. Staying over is impractical as he makes sure everyone is kept awake all night as he can just stay up gorging himself all night. waking other people and making sure there is a huge mess top clear up every morning . He eats her out of house and home./ tried hiding food so that the others can eat too but he just breaks everything to find it, no point constantly repairing doors. If I stay over I don’t sleep so work for me is out of the question also if I do. He has accused me off beating him several times, and always caught out for lying. He has 3 other siblings who we try very hard to bring up but he requires so much attention that its left her a complete wreck and me not much better. Social Service have been involved for years but made no real progress, the new social worker seems a little better whereas the first was a joke. Think she may have been sacked eventually but was certainly took off the case when we explained to her manager what had (or indeed hadn’t been happening). Service were disgusted but that still didn’t help.
The other kids are okay but see his behaviour and think that’s ok so they all problematic too although the youngest two are not too bad sometimes. I try to do things with his younger brother to stop him turning out the same but its hard finding the time, money and mental energy with working as well.
The whole situation is awful for her seems never ending. A few family members have tried to intervene and can’t handle him for more than a few nights. We have had one day together without children in the last 18 months. Its at the po8int now were we both just want him gone. We have tried everything imaginable for years at tremendous expensive financially, physically and emotionally. i have got to the point now I cannot even look at him as he makes my blood boil but he’s very manipulative and always pulls the wool over Mums eyes. I can see right through it but its hard getting her to believe and punishing him just makes things worse. If you tell him her grounded he just walks out and comers back when he feels like it. Doesn’t answer his phone and just terrorises neighbours. When the phone is taken the house is destroyed trying to find it. He upsets everyone and I wish he would just go and never come back, before my partner has a total breakd0poow, or worse…….
Biological father is a down and out alcoholic who gave up on life many years ago, so no help there. Just a hindrance if anything.
I am close to giving up ass we would be together 6 years tomorrow. As he has been sent back from his grandmother now after 1 week, from what was supposed to be a long term move its was utterly heartbreaking and needless to say carnage ensued and the whole house is now upset.
I really hope he assaults the wrong person soon (he hits boys, and women) and gets a lesson. As he’s now 11 (I know 11) he can be arrested but the woman who was assaulted was my partners friend who wouldn’t call the police despite us begging her too, so as usual no consequence for actions. Last summer the police were out most days and it will be the same soon I hope. The dog seems to hate him as well, which is not surprising really. Don’t know where I am going with this. She can’t cope and will end up losing them all because of him. Sadly today children can do whatever they like and parents are powerless. School threaten to fine her for him not attending but she can’t physically force him. They will offer no help other than sending arsey letters. Feels like it will never end until my partner completel6y breaks down and I can only watch it happen and help when I can. Been helping in all sorts of ways for 6 years now and I want to give up,. She’s said she wouldn’t blame me but I want to at least get her through this. I know the care system is supposedly overcrowded but she’s close to a mental breakdown then 4 kids have nowhere to go. I am not a biological parent so have no rights. How can this be allowed to happen. Its a joke
I feel the same as the above two posters. This article doesn’t give solutions for everyone and that’s ok. But I’m completely burnt out as a sole parent to a 3yo. I’ve become a parent I dislike, I’m no longer calm and I find myself screaming a lot the last few weeks. I wasn’t like this before. My stress levels are so high I’ve become numb.
I’m hating parenting right now. 12yr old and 7yr old, just doing the same things every day, several times a day. Why can’t they listen and do and try to change it up and do better?
Worse thing is I let them know I’m hating it from the things I say. But I end up saying it so they know my frustration and feel it and then want to change their behaviour but of course they don’t.
I don’t want it to be like this and when I shake myself and try and be positive and jolly with them, they act up again and I’m back to frustrated and angry, fed up!
Reading this, I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels depleted.
I’m feeling this more now with kids at 12 & 7 than ever before. Absolutely exhausted & depleted on all fronts. Was it the pandemic or is this normal?
I would call all of Thai normal side effects of one parent households or working mothers. Now from a different vantage point. And more wisdom, I see the reason for traditional values and am embarrassed I drank the feminism cool-aide back in the 90s/early 2000’s. I played myself.
Today, my 15 month old daughter was resisting sleep. I was tired and fed up. As I stood up from my bed to prepare a bottle for her, I thought to myself, “I definitelydo not want to have another kid, I certainly understand why some people have chosen not to”. I have been feeling depleted since I returned to work after my maternity leave. I was not feeling this way when I was on leave. Do I quit my job with this high-inflation economy? Ah! Feels like a losing battle.
misophonia is killing my family
Mom of 2 under 5 while juggling a full time job that I work from home (yes, with 2 kids running around) while also home schooling and maintaining the home and cooking and all of that. I get the kids ready for church, get them ready for bed, put them to bed. I literally do it all. I’m exhausted and recently I’ve become depressed too.
You are not alone. I am a mother of a beautiful brilliant 14 year old. It is very difficult. she also has ADHD/Depression/anxiety. It is so hard to raise these middle school children. The bullying she experiences is terrible, due to that she makes bad choices. on and on. I am sure your doing a great job.
funny how you say ask for help…lmao..what if there isn’t any “help” not everyone has someone to help..what else ya got for me besides that answer..
Good advice to ask for help, but what about when no one will help you? I’ve literally cried and begged my husband and grown children to help me. They don’t care. They are not willing to do anything they don’t really want to even if it really helps me. I raised 3 kids(2 of which had severe medical/psychological illness in teen years(Asperger’s, Epilepsy, severe OCD, Cushing’sDisease, etc.). They all 3 had ADHD. My husband worked a LOT of hours, so everything was my problem. Fortunately, I didn’t have to work. Husband gave me no support emotionally or otherwise. He worked, I did everything else! Now, I’m sick and so fatigued that I can barely function, no one cares. My adult kids are selfish, disrespectful, and entitled, despite the fact I didn’t raise them to be that way. I don’t feel that anything I did for them is appreciated.
I related to most of this article, and really appreciated it. I had my son on my own. Being a single mom to a highly spirited 5-year-old has been more challenging than I had expected. I’m also helping my aging parents, so I don’t have options to ask for help or I definitely would. It’s been hard negotiating to guilt of not being able to keep up, or having no choice but to let some things slide like housework. I think it’s important to steal moments to recharge, but you have to do it knowing it will cost something else ie getting a walk. Life is hard and I keep reminding myself to extend kindness to myself. Thank you for the article! Wishing everyone struggling lots of light!
I can’t even begin to explain how much I needed this. I feel validated for the first time in almost 3 years. I relate to every part of this. Guilt is overtaking me and I’ve been finding myself not wanting to do this anymore. The father of my children has been a terrible partner through my pregnancies til this point and a sad excuse for a father. We are going through separation and he up and left us with no warning so I’m doing everything alone while filled with anger and resentment towards him. I’m feeling totally defeated today and ready to give up but this article gave me a sliver of hope and validation and was the reminder i needed that I’m not the only one feeling like this.
I’m a senior mother taking care of a disabled daughter and her two children one having ADHD everything is on me the cooking the cleaning earning money etc I raised for children as a single parent and recently had a child life taken through it all I still have my disabled daughter her two young children and having to do it all I have no patience I am at my end and I just really don’t know what to do about it I need help if there’s no help out there and like I said I’m a senior so money definitely is an issue and the resources are basically hidden when it comes to disabled handicap and Senior people I need a link where there is help in all of the areas housekeeping a break because I’m with them seven days a week 24 hours a day I am in such a need of a vacation but also I need help with the kids getting them on and looking us I need help with taking core going with my daughter doing her doctor’s appointments and the resources just aren’t there when you are on a fixed income so if there’s any advice out there please feel free but while you are a kind about it thank you
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