Need Advice: Should I Break Up With My Cheating Boyfriend?

Question:

Hey Tamar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 yrs. We met in High
School, and started our relationship a week before school ended.

He kept trying to be in a relatioship with me but I wanted to wait because I havent really been in a relationship. A few months after we finally started to go on dates, I finally invited him over to my house. While we were there, I had asked him to sign into his facebook page I cant remember what for. Later on I went on my tablet and saw that he was still signed in. I went through his messages and I saw all these messages from all these girl. The messages were terrible and they still pop up in my head from time to time, its a constant reminder.

He was flirting with girls, telling girls he wanted to sleep with them. Not only that but I saw a message that said he may have got a girl pregnant. The message with the girl saying she’s pregnant in his inbox made my heart stop. I asked him about it, he said all those messages were when he thought our relationship wasnt going to make it. At times I thought we werent going to make it either but I stayed committed to the whole relationship.

After that we tried to get a clear understanding of what we didnt want each other to do- I told him I didnt want him talking to any girls while he was in a relationship with me, and i didnt want him talking to anyonw who liked him. He basically told me the same, he also told me i need to stop talking to some of my male friends who he didn’t like (one of my male friends was his ex girlfriend/the pregnant girl ex boyfriend).

I should add in here that I have broke up with him so many times but I can’t stay away from him.

Please tell me – should break up with my boyfriend?

Thanks.

Answer:

Hi,

I can completely understand how you would be upset by seeing the messages he wrote to the other girls, and especially the one about getting a girl pregnant.

My guess is that there’s a battle inside your head: on the one hand you want to believe him and
trust him, but on the other hand (and this is a big one!)- you don’t!

That’s really tough.

In my experience, when there are two parts in us that pull in opposite directions, the best technique is to silence both of them. And while you’re at it, silence all the voices on the outside that I’m sure are trying to sway you one way or the other.

Once you’ve turned the volume down on all that chatter, connect with that part inside you that is wise, and brave. We all have it – it is passed to us from our ancestors in our DNA (and it probably lives somewhere in your gut, or around your heart).

As you locate it, ask it gently:

“What does this situation need the most right now?”

Notice that you’re not asking – should I stay or leave? Our subconscious works differently than our mind, and you are not likely to get a straight answer to that question.

Here is the message I predict you will hear:

What you need most is to be with people that make you feel safe, and strong. It might even say that you need some time alone to clear your head. But whatever it says, the hardest part will be to listen to it, and follow its suggestion. Because two seconds after you’ll get your answer, your brain will chime in with all the ‘buts’ it can come up with.

One thing your brain might say is: ‘But all I have to do is make sure that he doesn’t cheat again…’

Here’s the thing with that: You can’t. And even if you could, why would you want to? Who wants to be  on guard all the time, stressed-out, and always wondering what he’s doing, and who he’s talking to…

Limiting each other’s activities may help a bit in the moment, but it will not grow the trust that is missing. You will both end up living in a relationship-made jail. And if there’s one thing us humans hate the most, it’s to be powerless. It goes against our nature. Inevitably, we find ways to regain our power, and so the question will quickly become: who is going to break out first?

Remember, the idea is to grow trust. You can’t grow trust by force. It has to be an organic, gentle and long process where you begin to feel truly understood, and cared for, and where you KNOW that he truly gets how much his cheating hurt you (not just the getting caught part).

Now, I may be totally off here but my instinct is telling me that your heart is telling you
to let him go but you’re scared. Perhaps he is a bit controlling, and you find it
difficult to put your foot down?
Perhaps you are afraid of being alone, or finding someone else…

If I am correct in these assumptions, my best advice is – use your support network
for back up, and get out. Strengthen yourself by connecting with the people that love
you (family, friends, community) and do what’s right for you, and continue to do
whats right for you.

There will be many more situations like this in life. Use this one as a practice for
those other, bigger future situations. Use this one to FIND YOUR STRENGTH, and once
you find it – don’t let it go. Show yourself that you deserve to be in a
relationship that makes you feel safe and secure.

Feeling afraid is totally normal!! It wouldn’t be BRAVE if you weren’t afraid.

I hope that helps.
Take care,
Tamar