My first child was conceived, as they say ‘by accident’ though I like to think of it more as a surprise. We were blessed beyond imagination – a perfect addition to our team.
Then we decided to try again (even though we didn’t technically try the first time). The first month of trying, I ‘knew’ that I was pregnant – I could feel it in my body, in the way I felt about my husband, and in my motherly intuition.
I was wrong.
The second month, I ‘knew’ again – I began to feel nauseous, my back began to hurt, I could smell a moldy sandwich from the next town over, and all I wanted to do was rest, and nest with my perfect little family.
I was wrong again.
Each month, I ‘knew’ that I was pregnant, and each month I was crushed all over again. You’d think that after a while one would get used to the same routine, but one didn’t (at least I didn’t). I began to hate that part of me – the part that wanted to get pregnant so much that each month it was convinced that it had finally happened. How stupid could it be to put itself in such a vulnerable place over, and over again. Why couldn’t it just relax and let things flow as they may? Then at least I wouldn’t be living on a roller coaster of emotion.
Believe me, I tried. I decided that I was no longer attached to the outcome I had in mind – whatever life gave me I would accept as what was meant to be. My family was already perfect after all, and I was already blessed ten times over, but that little part inside me never left. Every month when the time came to try and conceive my stress level rose to unimaginable heights – I became a dictator hungry for control, and terrified of surrender. When the time for my period came, and I would see the dreaded stain on my underwear I would drop so very low – l choke up as I think about it still.
For three years we tried, and forced, and fought, and tripped, and blamed, and loved, and always secretly hoped that what was meant to be would jive with what we yearned for. We were lucky – lucky because it was only three years instead of so much longer like it is for so many others, and lucky because our little girl, who is incredible beyond words is here with us today.
To all of you who are struggling with infertility, secondary infertility, miscarriages, or other painful losses, and who know the feeling of WANTING from deep inside your core, of having your heart clench with unrequited desire, your mind obsess with questions and doubts, and your spirit agonize in grief – I send you my love.